Friends don't let friends fuck ugly girls. WALK AWAY FROM HER!
my goal in life is to wake up with my underwear on
I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
The boys in front of me put beer, red plastic cups, ping pong balls, lighterfluid, and twelve packs of pantyhose on the conveyor belt. Whatever drinking game they're playing, I want a part in.
If him repeating sorry while thrusting isn't makeup sex than I don't know what else is
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
sorry about having a shotput competition with your microwave, seemed like a good idea at the time
New rule during sex: if it causes you to take your rings off, don't do it.
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
When we were done making out, some guy ran into the room yelling, "I'll save you Brandon! I'll save you!"
Did I try to sell your body for chicken tenders last night?
PokemonGo as navigation to get some at 5:13 AM. Life choices, yo.
Not this time. I'm drinking in my sweatpants which means I've given up for the day and shouldn't be in public.
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
i hooked up with all four beatles on halloween get on my level
Randomize
