xbox live and facebook are tricking me into believing I actually have an active social life
the other night i did but this one wasnt and it was so random. i was hooking up with this boy who wanted to roleplay and pretend to be snakes
This is getting serious. I keep forgetting what's in my vagina.
Just took a closer look at the paper that kid wrote me his number on. It was an ATM receipt. His balance is $17.89. i made the right choice.
I wish I had a "puke in your car" emoticon
On the plus side I got to ride in a fire truck and I didn't have to blow anybody for it
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
I went from innocently day drinking to waking up handcuffed in jail. Fuck you game days
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
its before 9am and ive already had to dip my dick and balls in a glass of milk. probably isnt a good sign for how today is going to go.
His ex-girlfriend just gave his current girlfriend the heimlach omg omg omg help this is so awkward
AND HOLY SHIT FLUBBER IS ON NETFLIX
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
Randomize
