I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
pshh wine cellars. now if he has a tequila cellar whole different story
don't go back without me... they'll know i'm pooping.
His dick was so small it sat perched on top of his balls like it was king of his scrotum.
Drunk and had dance off with 8 year old. Lost. Still drinking
there is just no excuse for touching your mothers vagina.
I woke up and he had cut my bangs and put makeup on me.
I don't care how good they make you look, you've got to stop sleeping with gay guys.
Found a cheerleading trophy in my shower this morning. Explain.
If turning my entire backyard into a slip-n-slide is wrong then I don't wanna be right
He told me he deactivated his facebook because his girlfriend caught him wackin it to my profile picture.
10 points to you
I need a new pic for your contact id. Because your boobs popping up when I'm having dinner with my grandma or, ya know, when kids have my phone isn't so good.
This is the drunkest I've ever been at a chili's
Congrats on dating a convict, there's no fitbit badge for that one.
it was an ACCIDENT
it was a DICK
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
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