Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
and all i could think was, am i really about to have sex with someone who still thinks that pee comes out of the actual vagina?
how the FUCK am I supposed to macarena while doubble fisting?
Opportunity cost of getting to econ after a night on the town > marginal benefit of attending class
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
Vodka is such a love hate relationship.
Truer words have never been spoken.
That fucking fat Asian kid that NOBODY invited is stuck in the dryer again
U shoulda just taken her to a stall and banged her and let me watch the game. Some friend u r.
One of my coworkers just invited me to a wet t-shirt contest this weekend in honor of her son's 21st Birthday.
Well who could blame her. I would run away from me if I could.
Then he claimed me as his prize for 3rd place in a wing eating contest. Too romantic.
And I just realized we will be at a strip club when the end of the world is supposed to happen. This is destiny
"You can go raw dog up in me". Exact words. I can't decide whether to run, or fuck. Help.
his butt looks cute in my panties so i decided he has to wear panties all the time from now on.
He was the highest I've ever seen. Almost had him convinced there are only three colors in the rainbow...
Randomize
