It went from cuddling and watching blood diamond to watching the three of them snort an entire $80 bag of blow off the coffee table
let's just say I never want to get pulled over and have to explain to the cop why I'm wearing a false beard again.
Change of plans. Theres a bouncy castle setup in my apartment complex.
dude, you were feeling up her boob for 20 minutes in front of the guy she was hitting on because you and her had an argument over who had bigger boobs.
hey man, it was for science okay.
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I think the old lady next to me at the bar just saw your pussy
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
My 19 year old brother just hooked up with his 45 year old cougar kindergarten teacher. These sorts of situations make me realize why the sorority girls call him Wondercock
i don't think i have enough personality to make it through this date sober.
When dressing for a 3way, how do I convey to the other chick I care enough to look pretty but not so much that it's a huge deal?
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I was christened with Fireball shots by some guy at the bar. I'm practically Jesus now.
Coming straight to your house after the flight. If not in Federal Prison for disobeying peanut laws.
The guy I blew who bought us all the shots last night? I really think he's the TV guy I'm watching give the local weather. Like right now.
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
someone is getting fuckign RAWDOGGED on this campus as we speak and it makes me FURIOUS
I just balanced a full glass of chocolate milk on my left boob. Don't think i've ever been more proud.
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