please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
It's kind of sad that your greatest accomplishment today is that you stood up and didn't fall down.
My dad walked in on me masturbating in my own apartment.....my own apartment!!
THERE ARE SO MANY GREAT DICKS IN THE WORLD. HOW DID I NOT DISCOVER THIS SOONER!?
Please know that I fully expect you to help me steal a bed if I have a bad breakup.
I just don't know about this life anymore. Quite frankly I think I belong up there in the great blue, lounging on a cloud sippin tea with Jesus
don't say the first was when I crawled under into the dressing room
What's the sex policy on a school bus? Because I dibs back seat.
Sex allowed. Dress code is neon and obnoxious.
We are gonna die. I wanna enforce the "no jumping out of moving vehicles" policy. And how are we gonna get a school bus through mcdonalds drive thru?
No, seriously, I've slept with 3 guys this month.
It's ok, February is a short month
Congratulations on your downgrade, shes one hell of a 5
Who the fuck gets injured on a merry-go-round? HOW IS IT POSSIBLE??
Evidently I placed three booty calls at the same time...it was an ugly scene. I'm never getting that high again.
Our friendship just got weirder. He snapchated me the porn he was watching.
Potholders are an underrated garment. Especially naked.
He just kept pissing on the couch as we were yelling at him while he repeatedly told us "its going to be okay".
Randomize