I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
9 of the 12 girls i had sex with in college are on facebook
it was an ugly road back then. i'm sure time hasn't been friendly.
PS: the photo I uploaded for this internship site is the same one i used for my fake ID. I like to keep it classy.
yes, we have a friends with benefits thing. i found out he had never 69'd, done anal or had a threesome. i told him i was going to rock his world.
and what did he say?
there were no words. he looked like a kid on christmas morning.
My vagina just recognized that song.
Are we responsible for the snowmen doing it doggy-style in my front yard?
Now you know for the next time you go in the basement to wear a helmet
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
Hahaha wear something that says i'm here to party but wont go farther then a handjob.
It's like god touched my soul and said 'you will be great in bed'
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
Just described you as looking like "a very cute escapee from an Egyptian insane asylum"
Like my new perfume? It's a combination of Fireball, sex and bad decisions.
Yes, bail money means jail. It also means lie to dad, do it now.
Randomize
