life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
Today should be called shooting fish in a barrel day. Every place ive gone to ive met a girl who regrets not hooking up last night. There have not been girls this easy since Fathers Day
it's official, i've been high in 26 different states, and three different countries.
I felt like a dog for all the times during sex that he said "good girl"
I can hear her blowing you man. All I hear is her saying 'yeah' over and over again.
Maybe before the beach I should get a tracking chip in my arm.
You screamed "there will be blood" and punched some random guy in the face. So no, we can't go back to that bar.
This is going to be one of those "I can only do this high" classes
I'm just checking to make sure you don't want to go to the farmers market... This is an assumption based on the fact that you were slapped with a sandwich last night and you remained unconscious.
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
Vodka, rum, moonshine, I don't care, just bring like 5gallons.
Enjoy the penises
I woke up with "To whom it may concern" sharpied on my dick
yeah we're all naked, and I think we just shaved Chad.
Well, I ruined his toilet and he's still completely okay with me. Plus, it took him like a week to tell me.
If a girl I didn't love ruined my toilet I don't think I'd stick around.
Randomize
