im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
kevin brought a 6ft brunette runway model with him tonight. Now, im not sure what the fuck the color of the " i get it, its over, Im ugly" flag is.... but i'll wave it.
i swear to god her finding her clit was like looking for a sock in a dryer full of beach towels
I just found glitter on my vibrator... whatever we're doing has to stop
He wore homemade jorts on our first date. I'm not sure if I should leave now or embrace the white trash lust and marry him
We found her. She's owling on the sink in the bathroom.
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
the fat lady is now rubbing her stomach and staring at me. I hate trains
Should I be concerned you put your last name in my phone as "danger"?
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
You kept ranting how Captain Planet is getting shortchanged in the superhero department. Other than that you kept it together
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
Your parents are gone and we haven't fucked in their bed... why?
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