I'm in love with you.
huh?
Don't be nervous. I'm just saying - if you had a dick, I'd suck it.
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
Just because we had intercourse doesn't mean we're friends.
found the other keg... it's in the tree
Ok so I could say "im sorry"...but instead ill just say "unsupervised...jager...military guys...green school bus called the juice box...and HUGE dick"
There was a lot going on. It was easy to miss a 70 foot tall puppet.
i've eaten like 19 popsicles... what the fuck have you done today?
We were escorted through the guys dorm by 5 kids with nerf guns and zelda shields. I felt like the president with a fucked up secret service squad.
You know those twins i had a crush on in grade school? Just woke up between them. Best. Party. EVER.
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
On the plus side, I know I'm allergic to latex now. Like really fucking allergic
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
There is a man in my bed with "new zealand" tattooed on his back. Wtf happened last night?
Dude!! Who the fuck glued Cheetos to my couch? Bastards!!
We could have fun in a cardboard box. Think of the damage we could do at an amusement park!
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