I think this dress is screaming I want a birthday 3some with two moderately attractive guys. I hope.
Her parents came home early, i had to hug her mom with a condom on...
Just desperately used the "it's a boy" cigar I saved from my\nnephews birth to roll a blunt
We removed her tutu and her cape, so there's no risk of her strangling herself.
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
It was actually pretty good. His cock is as fat as the rest of him and I took out my contacts so I couldn't see him clearly.
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
Bullets don't scare me. I wish I was a coyote
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
No other awkward car ride can beat the one you give your drug dealer home.
Fyi, shaking your genitals at me doesn't count as "trying to have sex".
Stay calm. It's a titty bar. A ring of cocaine will protect you.
I'm having shoppers remorse over a dildo
I just used a bag of jelly beans as an arm weight...I'm not sure what to think of myself
Randomize
