I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
oh man you're gonna hate me when you log onto facebook. remember i love you
I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
U just looked at me and said "wake me up when I'm done eating"
someone just broke into my class and invited everyone to the bar ...now we're filling out a police report. awesome.
We had sex in the woods. It was great until some bird started mimicking my orgasm sounds
What's the protocol on showing a video of me sucking the life out of my ex in order to prove beyond a doubt that I give great head???
I miss waking up, opening the closet downstairs, and finding you inside passed out.
My mom and I are having a "yay I don't have herpes" shopping trip day
I would think I was a stalker too if I wasn't myself
I don't know what kind of soup they made, but it smells like condoms.
He got kicked out 3 times. I have no idea how he kept getting back in. I saw him walking on the highway the next morning.
Passed out mid cig in bed last night. Thank you cough for allowing me legal prescription hydrocodone.
There's no time frame.
For drinking wine out of the bottle and taking nyquil at 9 AM? There probably should be.
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
Randomize
