I just put out an orange level terrorist threat on her punani
one more question, do you know why i woke up with 5 pounds of quarters, nickels and dimes in my pocket?
Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
I dk what to do with this kid he is like legitimately interested in my life.
We're at that point in our relationship where sweatpants sex has become acceptable...
As we were fooling around he told me he was conceived on this bed like it would turn me on.
You tried to initiate "Occupy McDonald's" when the cashier didn't give you enough ketchup.
I mean you were pretty drunk at one point you asked if we could have a glass of water ready for you in case you choked while bobbing for apples, but you said grape juice was preferable. You can't choke on an apple btw
The last thing I remember was you puking all over the inside of my door and him yelling "PUKING RALLY!!!"
Because drinking and showering don't go hand in hand. There that's my PSA of the day.
Well, if it makes you feel any better I'll be drinking tequila and doing lines on Halloween. Just like old days.
Because you touch yourself at night.
...What time of day am I supposed to do it?
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
Don't come in. My door to my bathroom won't close because of the table and I'm pooping
Classy
Randomize
