I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
I just needed to know whether or not to wear panties to work tomorrow.
on a scale of 1-10how much freaking out is acceptable if you just found a (possibly used) cock ring in the head board that your parents gave you?
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
I felt kinda bad after screaming 'ITS MY BIRTHDAY TOO' while he was having a seizure in the front of the party bus.
How many bratwuest were you able to fit in your mouth at one time? It's me, Hans.
Check Facebook. Random dude tagged us in photos from last night dancing at Denny's while eating a sampler platter. 1. How does he have our names, and 2. You said we ate at Tbell.
He used his one phone call to tell me not to let anyone drink all his vodka until he could bail himself out.
i am way too old to be getting fingered at work
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
Is it related to planting your seed? Cause I don't know if you have studied the development of a tiny human, but that is some complicated shit.
Isn't everything in a man's life somehow related to him planting his seed?
NO. ANAL IS NOT A GAME.
Is it morally wrong to give today's hookup a Krispy Kreme from yesterday's hookup or is it just fat love?
i definitely signed you up to receive text message notifications from a jukebox last night. Not even sorry.
Adderal can only make me focus so much. Your ass is stronger than my medicine. Congratulations.
Randomize
