Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
so I smoked with the leasing agent of the apartment complex. Of corse I am going to take this one
I'll go out only because I know the starving children in third-world countries would frown upon us if we let an hour of free sangria go to waste...
She bet her virginity on the Celtics. Looks like Kobe wont be the only one breaking in a new ring.
I need a legitimate reason as to why the microwave door is in the shower
Ifound a recepit for a hotel room in my sock. soo.. Ithink thats where my dog is.
I was throwing up in the shower. He was throwing up on me. It was a cute couple moment for us.
I'm about to pick up E from underneath a random doormat.......how is this remotely normal?
You could become Eskimo brothers with my dad. How can you pass that up? You pussy.
Omg no. We ate a raw pumpkin last nighr. We dipped it in BBQ sauce.
we broke up because he couldn't handle the fact that i've slept with more girls than he has. also, i've slept with the girl he's seeing now.
No fucking judgements. You know me. Chinese food vent sessions are safe places.
I'm drinking your booze since you ate my pop-tarts. I'm telling you this because I still don't think it's a fair trade.
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
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