if you dont talk to me in person you cant text me
i'm wearing my white shorts to coax my period out of hiding.
my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
If Andre Agassi did Crystal Meth, what was John McEnroe doing?
As your boss, I feel obligated to tell you that turning our management meeting into a kegger may just be the best idea you've given me yet.
Ah shit... I sleep-ate chocolate pudding again.
She has a tattoo on her inner thigh that's an x with a long dotted line. So after she passed out I signed it. Dunno what else I was supposed to do...
Just asked my roommate if she needs one of my old pill bottles to hold her weed during our move tomorrow. What has grad school done to me?
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
I just had sex on a roof
Fuckin' raining men in my bedroom while I'm trying to drunk eat a rather large portion of pasta. Like shoo I already picked who I'm sleeping with. Pasta wins.
I woke up naked wrapped in a wolf blanket on the bathroom floor
I have an ideal penis or slightly above ideal penis in every country that isn't ruined by the specter of communism
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
I think I'm just gonna exercise my lungs and fingers. With bong hits and crochet. BECAUSE I AM A REAPONSIBLE ADULT DAMMIT!!
Randomize
