Why is it that you only get to have sex when you haven't shaved your legs in six weeks and are wearing period stained granny panties?
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
Hippo gnu deer
no i brought the cat to the bar. I got a weird look when I walked in but now everyone loves her.
I am NOT getting arrested in a wig.
There are reggae songs being written about me...where have I gone wrong in life?
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
so hungover. I'm actually considering eating the snow off the roof so I don't have to leave my bed
A beef tasting is not what I needed while hungover
I took a yellow and pink pill, all of a sudden my sex drive is back, and for some reason all I wanna do is fuck Amish dudes
Good God, I miss doing unknown drugs with you.
Nobody likes ball hair. Not even gay dudes
MY COWORKER IS ATTRACTIVE AND I DROPPED A SONIC THE HEDGEHOG JOKE IN CONVERSATION I FUCKED UP
Well, I like big penises but it's not like he walks around with it out or anything so yes I think he has beautiful eyes
I just had a man tell me he was going to think about me when he was fucking his wife tonight. This is my proudest moment as a gay.
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
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