I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
I just fired a shotgun out of the back of a truck going 60. i am going to miss oregon.
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
he had to chose between the booze and condoms
what did he choose?
the booze, then looked at me and said, plan b is free right?
Doing Jager Bombs on a Sunday morning is justified...How else is my team going to win?
I'm pregnant.
The fact that this number is not in my contacts is giving me hope it's a wrong number???
I took your mattress from your bed. Don't ask questions. Love you. See ya later.
Let me tell you how my drug dealer wants me to take his girlfriends little sister to jr prom
You're the reason I lose Never Have I Ever
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
you wouldn't let anybody come in after ten. everybody was standing outside and you just yelled "BEING PUNCTUAL IS IMPORTANT" and slammed the door. i dont think you should be allowed to have parties anymore
it concerns me that i was already that drunk at 10
You tried paying your tab with the coaster
I know. I'm a saint. Saint of sitting on faces.
I just used my sisters cheerleading plaque and a children's book to crush up painkillers to snort. Happy Friday
I am a taco. I am also really high.
I've always seen you more as a chimichanga.
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