so now that im really awake i see that my underwear are completely ripped down the side, my shorts are on backwards, i have to go get plan b....i call last night an epic fail or success depending on how catholic i am feeling
WTF why am I in the Atlanta airport?
Mango Malibu should win a nobel peace prize
halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'
the problem with open bar is i never know what to get
did you really just start a sentence with "the problem with open bar is..."
he described going down on me as being like 'entering a jungle of deliciousness and fur
im hiding in a corner. drunk. with a plate of stolen jello shots. im pretty sure people are looking for me or the jello shots.
You dislocated his arm and then bought him two shots to numb the pain while you pushed it back in
Is it bad that my only regret is fucking on the bathroom floor and not the sink?
Just hit him with your car. I can guarantee he won't do it again.
What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
she dared me to make out with the amish dude so I went up to him and grabbed him by the beard
GRABBED HIM BY THE BEARD
Have you ever looked death in the face and have the urge to shit yourself. I'm in that situation right now.
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
In the past year, I've fucked 3 Dave's and you've fucked 2 Dave's. That's a lot of Dave's in our vaginas.
We need to start a soap opera called the Dave's of Our Lives.
Randomize
