I dont shave on purpose to keep myself from being slutastic!! it usually works
Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
Someone told me that drinking would get me no where in life. Drinking has gotten me everywhere in life.
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
knew it was a bad idea. the look she gave me when i left her roommates bedroom in the morning really illustrated that.
We were making condiment sandwiches, then her husband kept trying to get me to sleep with her. I hate being the only lesbian at the party.
Dating Detox Day 5: had to go out and buy new batteries. this may be harder than I thought
I told your dad we had a nice lunch and hung out for awhile. It seemed more appropriate than "I had a bite of his canned chili and then we ripped each others clothes off."
I was screaming out for people to gather the townsmen and the mayor so we could hang him
Just fyi there is a naked girl somewhere in your house. I woke up and she was gone, definitely left her clothes tho
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
I just watched your sister pour half a bottle of cotton candy flavored snow cone syrup into a bottle of marshmallow flavored vodka, take a swig, frown, and pour a cherry coke in.
Just wait until she offers you a "powerita"
Its okay I found my bra. ...it was on your cat. I wont ask questions.
I don't have a cat..?
He started me on Celexa. I think I feel like Bjork. Is that normal?
Like... my feet feel like little octopuses, and they want to swim to the next room.
Don't read too much into what I just sent. I love you, always have, but I'm drunk and sorry for the confusion.
Which part? The boyfriend or the sex?
Boyfriend. SEX IS ON!!!
Randomize
