I'm 3 blocks south of you watching drag queens.
Driving out to Plano is like driving away from your twenties
dude, osama threatened the US again
dude. i slept with your sister last night
what?
I saw that as an opertune moment to drop some big news
I just chased the everclear with Listerine...I think I found my new chaser!
She's coming to town, taking me to a Suns Game, wants Anal, and knows we're not going to date, I imagine this is what heaven is like
He asked me to touch his mustache. Should I go home with him?
Well fuck that. I mean, I made out with my cousin once. Who gives a fuck.
Sad news: I might have to institute a "once-per-day" policy on getting trashed downtown. Sorry, reputation.
Three guys came up to me at the bar and started dancing on me, while screaming "Johnson's girl." That's the last time I sleep with a freshmen.
woke up outside on the porch naked surrounded by beer cans with a towl around my neck. i must be in heaven cause i've never seen this place before.
I started screaming "MY PARENTS ARE MORMON" at a stranger and promptly proceeded to run into a wall. How do you think it went?
What do you take me for? I'm not trying to lure you into bed with stories of my dead aunt.
HE LITERALLY JUST PEED IN MY ROOM IDK WHAT TO DO HELP
ill drive you to the airport today if we can have sex first
i left yesterday
ill pick you up from the airport on sunday if we can have sex after
I wish I got tanner on friday but I feel like I spent most of my time puking in the bathroom. I love my life
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