I just took the soap out of the bathroom and hid it... this way I could see if she would say anything. you know, to see how clean she was
Hey is it bad when your boss leans over your desk and tells you "you smell like the Rainforest Cafe"??
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
She washed lettuce and peppers in the shower and proceeded to make a salad
VODKAVODKAVODKAYESSSS
Just heard the girl at the bar cuss her bf out and order a long island ice tea. Going to give it 5 min then I'm going in. See you on the other side.
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
did you just say you're too stoned to fool around? okay we're over.
You're dick is like the main character. It needs its own picture.
Does being an adult mean drunkenly signing for your tax return from a foreign country? If so, I've reached adulthood.
He's talking about feelings now. I don't even know if he came???
Woman doing my Brazilian right now says to tell you she says hi...what has our life come to?
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
We walked into the RA's room and he said "is that alcohol" and I screamed "IT'S WATER" and ran out and Vanessa slammed the door and started making out with him.
Randomize
