It is obvious to me now why clam chowder & beer aren't a good combo.
We woke up, fucked, and shared a piece of my sister's first communion cake for breakfast.
And you thought you were going to hell last weekend.
I think forcing your little sister to drink with you on a Wednesday when she has school the next day is the low point of alcoholism.
Lindsay lohan: road to jail is on E tonight. Bring vodka we are not missing an opportunity to make a drinking game out of this
He wanted to put Kesha on after he came in my mouth. I had to draw some sort of trashy, gay line.
I'm covered in egg mcmuffin wrappers and my room smells like dead hooker.
Streaking across a girls college rugby game is probably the best, and most painful, decision I've ever made
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
And I made some girl take out the trash, load and unload the dishwasher, swifter, and clean the counters. So don't act like I don't do anything.
If I had a vagina, my apartment would have been the Atlantic
He told me I was "too flexible." Excuse me?
Dude...are you really going to start sexting during our friend's memorial service?
I was asked last night if Magnum makes a XXL..... I don't think I've ever broken this many condoms in my life
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
Did you really think putting a napkin over your head would make you giving him a bj less obvious?
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