the shit that comes out of a woman's mouth when she knows you can't hit her is fucking unbelieveable
Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
He skyped me to learn how to roll a joint and for us to masturbate together. And you said a long distance relationship wouldn't work.
THERE IS PRACTICALLY A BEER FUCKING WATERFALL
Remember me drinking the vodka from in between your legs?
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
Well tech shes born nov 12, but since her head was out on the 11th, she claims both days as her birthday
Me and the cabbie are stopping on the way at a sit down restaurant to eat. My life is so sad.
One day this summer I just wanna get blown under the hot sun all day.
Deal. Roof-top 69 on Saturday, July 20th. I've got it in my calendar.
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
I woke up in my neighbors backyard with glitter on my teeth and sparklers super glued on my bra. which part was your fault?
He ran out to tell us that somebody flooded the bathroom, then went back in there fell on his ass and asked why the floor was wet
HE IS. YOU SHOULD TOUCH HIS BACK.
IT IS A COURTSHIP RITUAL.
THE MUTUAL BUTT TOUCH IS SACRED.
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
I got kicked out of the E.R. for saying "balls".
Randomize
