dont seek real advice from me tonight cause its always gonna end with we should have sex
she is the kim kardashian of front butts
You are the patron saint of my drinking problem.
He wants to call Lloyd's of London and have my mouth insured.
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
Witnessing a crazy lady on the bus screaming about how romney is one of the four horsemen of the apocalypse.
He put my hand on his penis and said welcome home.
Hold on. At Sephora trying to decide what despair smells like.
Dude, she doesn't even live here... She just can't eat all our food and masturbate on my dog's couch...
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
Get drunk. Masturbate to his picture. Fall asleep. Repeat. Fuck summer.
Just traded a sandwich for anxiety drugs outside the club. I fuckin' LOVE this place.
You know it was one hell of a night when you need to use your own thong to wipe cum off your face.
My drug dealer just told me goodnight...I still don't know his name. But I guess you can say we've moved to the next step.
Randomize
