fuck, i think i'm broken. Alchyhol air mattress = the suck.
Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
Someone just uploaded pictures on facebook of you making out with random girls. I'm telling you because I'm assuming you don't remember anything, but the 236 pictures in the album should give you a good clue.
That was a $3000 rug we rolled him down the hill in.
where are you guys? the police just woke me up on the couch outside.
I'm cool with a hey old buddy how have you been want to fuck me in the butt kind of thing
Its a holy bong. We had to bless the holy bong water.
Last year you twerked on my Christmas tree and threw up all over the bathroom...in front of my parents. We should probably keep power hour to ONLY an hour this year
I'm still home, my life isn't together. Currently drying my pants
Walking into my bedroom & smelling stale sex & disappointment isn't how I envisioned being 39, in case you were wondering.
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
And then he served me a piece of a brownie on his dick. It tasted amazing. Such a good night!
I have a bottle of rum in my pocket...what does that say about me...
You come prepared
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
Randomize
