You said you wanted to go to louisiana and get arrested by Steven segal
his recent searches consisted of "World record for not bathing" and "Miley Cyrus vs Taylor Swift". Not even i am that desperate.
this kid just offered me adderall in exchange for my meal points. college at its finest
The story about him having a girlfriend changed real fast when he found out that I was a gymnast
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
His penis is literally smaller than my cell phone. I can't go out like that.
I'm about to pick up E from underneath a random doormat.......how is this remotely normal?
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
Can we just discuss how hundreds of miles away we were both beyond drunk and in some boys bed. That is the definition of friendship.
hand jobs are a waste of time that only lead to arm cramps. Also, where do you look...his eyes, at the penis, at the tv?
yeah the "where to look" question is super awkward
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
So what's it like to be pregnant?
It feels like I'm hungover and when I was drunk I was kicked off a mechanical bull and then trampled.
Babe if there was a way to give a back rub and head at the same time that's what I would ask for my birthday, Christmas and of course right now. Please think about how and get back to me.
Ive completely stopped wearing makeup. Not even eyebrows. Thats how sick of wisconsin I am.
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
Randomize
