you want me
i'd rather choke on a dick.
I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
Hey do you have a way to post bail? If not we can hook you up. If a police officer is reading this please ask him and respond in a timely fashion. I am concerned for my imprisoned friend
Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.
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Sorry my moustache came off because I was face first in a layered bucket full of jello shots.
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
I'm not drinking cause I'm like 4 vodkas away from a boom box and Peter Gabriel.
If the egyptians can build pryamids men can walk on the moon and ron jeremy can sleep with all those bitches then we can finish these three handles of vodka
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm doing blow on my fuzzy rug
Come join me
Hows the party lookin?
At a live sex show right now. Not sure about the employee party
She doesn't believe I only want to use you for sex. She has a much higher opinion of me than either of us do.
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
I was giving you head in the kitchen, and when I looked up you were eating a quesadilla.
By the time we got to McDonald's you were sharing a Big Mac with a stripper.
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