They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
i learned a valuable lesson last night. sometimes nice girls finish first. twice.
The only person who has seen my penis more than that girl, is that girl's sister.
we can't become the bulimic house in the complex dude. Besides, you need teeth for your career.
Part of my whole not being a slut anymore involves not giving other peoples boyfriends blowjobs
3 guesses about who had to still-drunkenly facilitate a fire drill at 2:40am because freshmen can't handle microwave popcorn.
Every single item that was in my fridge is now in my hot tub. Please help
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
Model at car show < day drinking with your favorite sister. Get your head in the fucking game Christopher.
well i mean, we just followed them into an alien and astronaut party. there was tin foil everywhere
he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
I am pretty great at coffee and mistakes
Our entire day shift is on either molly or acid. I'm about to take two hits of the latter.
you were just in my dream and you looked at me and said "Christmas is cold." I think you're wasted even in my dreams.
Randomize
