Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
no, i will not be your spotter when you masturbate with a noose around your neck
I wonder if that one guy remembers you sticking salami to his forehead when he was passed out on new years eve.
judging by my wet hair I would guess I showered at the bartenders apt last night?
It's a lightpost hitting you in the head. Of course it's going to hurt the day after.
Hospital. He tried giving some kid a stone cold stunner during a real fight.
Someone was asleep on the couch next to us and woke up. We paused and he yelled "gentlemen, behold! Sex!"
Just puke out the sadness. Like a fuckin dragon.
If a baby can come out of it, so can four raquetballs.
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
Where are you? Your parents are here. Their flight got in early.
Trashy Tequila Tuesdays. Have them meet me here @ the bar.
I'm not sending your parents to see you drunk at a gay bar. What kind of boyfriend do you think I am?
A great one. Entertain them i'll be home soon....... I think
Somewhere in this city is a lost rubber penis that needs to find its way back home
You pretty much lost your mind. Your ego has gotten ten time the size of your balls.
I'm too drunk to explain this to you. It's too hard.
He totally just went there for sex cuz he slept in her roommates bed the rest of the night after they were done...
pure definition of booty call.
Randomize
