Got a toothbrush?
How does, "Im sorry I was such an intoxicated bitch, I didn't mean anything I said" sound as an apology.
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
I passed out and woke up with my pockets full of Lucky Charms cereal and chocolate coins. Another successful St Pattys Day.
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How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
He's basically wearing those Nike boner sweatpants. It's hard not to jump him. How has your day been?
I've reached the point in my life where I desire cats more than men
Thing I said while arguing: I want to be single again so that I can have pizza and dick rained down upon me.
Pulling out all the stops on being a lady.
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just fell off my bed trying to pose and take a nude for you. Probably broke my wrist
And then I went through the chix filet drive through for breakfast in all my republican post sex glory
Ok. As long as I can keep Kevin contained to the room I'll be ok. If not u might have a naked puking Kevin at ur door
His flight was delayed by two hours though. I just got cock-blocked by clouds :(
I don’t have enough daddy issues for this shit, make him go away
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
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