I need a shot of tequila, and quick death
Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
He had a stripper pole in his bedroom. I didn't know whether to be impressed or creeped out.
Don't worry. I has chaperone.
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
And I think your bro would be happy to know that when I took my bra off like 10lbs of confetti fell out. It was like my tits were celebrating being free
You told the cop FUCK YOU AND YOUR TASER, i dont think he appricaited that
If his smile makes you freak out and drop things imagine what his penis could do
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
I bet I give better head than any other PTA mom.
I'm drunk listening and crying to Selena. How's your Monday?
My party ended early and I have a mountain of shrimp and weed
Once someone takes a shit in your toilet they are no longer a guest.
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