I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
Apparently faking a threesome isn't as much fun as you'd think
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
Her boyfriend only talks to me because I know her period schedule
I believe I convinced two girls to makeout for freedom last night Hahaha
He looks like he got hit by a weed-eater with chlamydia
I just remember being in the bathroom alone cussing out the bunny
So aparently telling your roommate you're going to spoon them so hard in the public place of their employment is inappropriate
I smoked that joint really fast and now I'm so high I'm crawling around on all 4 giving my dogs piggie back rides pretending its the macy day parade for dogs and I'm their giant human float.
I realized I used a copy of a biography of JFK as pillow last night...
Happy Fourth.
He said he looked out his window and I was sitting in the grass with blood everywhere talking to a dog.
I'll bring your "congrats on finally banging" cookies tomorrow, I'm exhausted.
currently working on a look that screams, "I'm dead inside, but still trying to enjoy the ride"
Thank you for dog sitting, there is $60 on my desk to be spent on DRUGS AND/OR GAS ONLY not that food stuff people crave.
My boss just offered me a vodka mixed drink at work I do not have a real job
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