Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
I never thought that I'd ever use the phrase "and the resulting ice cream explosion" seriously at work...
As long as you don't die I'm in full support of your drinking decisions
i'm way too high for it to be safe that i just discovered i have a fire extinguisher
He drives a BMW. I have to fuck him. Girl Code Rule #26.
Dude that soap I drank last night is fucking killing me.
Boys should be on-demand - like, once you select one, he's yours for the next 24-hours
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
I fell asleep while studying last night and woke up smelling like whiskey and sex... words can not describe how confused I am
If you loved me you'd bring cheese fries and a condom
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
He's in grad school at Harvard. I suppose that means my vagina is now smarter than I am.
Watching Faye Reagan porn all weekend for St Patty's day. Nothing has ever seemed more appropriate.
You're the only person not starstruck by him
Yes. That tends to happen after you regularly lick someone's balls.
I think I almost ran over some kid I went to high school with. Guilt factor: moderate to low.
Randomize
