I'm pretty sure he jizzed in his pants, and no it wasn't even half as funny as that song.
Woke up and went out for a cigarette and it was dead quiet. It was like the world just knew how many mistakes were made last night.
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
Still drunk just puked in the meat cooler tried to clean it up with ham. Its not working
So getting a bj to I believe I can fly is one of the greatest things ever
We all make mistakes. Just lock them up deep down inside your mind so they can surface as weird sexual fantasies it takes your therapist years to decipher when your 40
And by pregame I mean drink heavily and watch Russian dash cam car crash vids
I had her buy me a cock ring, so we might test that out. We are presently playing yahtzee.
Cock rings and yahtzee. Like peanut butter and jelly.
We just left the shoe. An app card to Fridays. $25 to santoras and a note that said sorry we were drunk on the front doorstep of the strip club
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
I was so high. I had so much hair. It was like all my hair follicles exploded.
I think that's the first time I had "ass rimming" scroll across my phone at work
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
Saw the Peanut butter guy at checkout he had at least 30 containers of it and like 6 different kinds...
A friendship for the ages born on how horny we both are
Randomize
