sometimes I think that if I just met him. he would have a crazy realization and fall madly in love with me. what do you say? I'm not just another fan.
Ive never seen someone more dtf than a soaking wet drunk girl who stumbles into your backyard.
We've reached that awkward stage of the relationship where he's in love with me when he's drunk, but sober him is still afraid of commitment.
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
I think it was you who decided that coming home at 3AM and cooking eggs topless was the best way to end our night. Eating the scrambled eggs off each other's boobs, that was ellie's idea
Tiny.
I mean tony. It's like autocorrect knows he wasn't well endowed.
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
There was a group of girls next to us. One was smiling at me. I only remember walking up and saying "oh you're Russian". Not sure where it went from there
I just need to stop hanging out with girls who drink wine coolers.
"I made out with someone too, but then he tried to fuck and I played dead"
Thanks for coming out I think haley is drunk enough for breast milk White Russians
He told me that after two hours of fucking he feels as though his dick wants to detach from his body and go to Mexico..
Have you heard yourself have sex?
I'm not THAT loud...
My neighbors filed a noise complaint.
like I'd leave you in a situation like that..pfft. what kinda friend do you think I am?
...a stoned one.
Please explain the hospital band on my wrist.
Randomize
