Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
She really thought E.D. was a sexually position.
So I think I just got a job offer from the guy I used to blow. See, networking pays off.
Any night you end up on the couch next to the trash can with a bag of white wine on your head is a rough night.
And for some reason I was covered in ants... So your probably covered in ants as well
I'll still trying to understand the context of your "punch her with my cock" comment.
Have your arms or hands ever gone numb after drinking too much?
Wtf did you do last night?
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
One day i'll wow you with artfully trimmed pubes.
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
I cant go through life without knowing what ginger pubes actually look like
He brought me flowers and then spanked me with a Doctor Who paddle. Pretty good night, as these things go.
Awwwwwww!
Mid-fucking he screams "YOU CAN'T VOTE FOR TRUMP"
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
When the paramedic asked Logan how he fell he explained that he was trying to lick his eyeball, missed and tripped over his own tongue.
Randomize
