how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
I am at 2.05 miles in under 11 minutes. So either this thing is broke or I should always work out wasted.
Jon thought he was that blonde chick from Three's Company when he was shrooming
i honestly don't know why someone didn't cut me off after i broke the ceiling lamp with MY HEAD
In complete seriousness I think I am the highest person on earth
I think people like me is why alcohol became illegal at one point
Great news I took pics last night
Warning: most of them are of you peeing while I take selfies
Out of everyone here, the sober one caught the cat on fire.
I haven't been dieting for my entire life to date some guy who thinks his dad bod is a riot.
You know it's a good night when the word slut is imprinted on your ass and your hands smell like lube.
the cuervo was good, but I started with jello shots. and when i threw up a whole jello shot came out.
Actually I learned to fire a 357 Magnum at the age of ten while on my very first period
Chasing shots with airborne.. Gonna get rid of my sickness and my soberness.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
Randomize
