I realized tonight the smell of my dirty pads remind me of my grandfather.
it's not gay if you rub your penis between their butt cheeks and pretend they are tits
What is the pluralization of human? I just got humen rejected, and I am going completely blank...
the problem with open bar is i never know what to get
did you really just start a sentence with "the problem with open bar is..."
Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
He made me a mix cd. There is obviously something wrong with him.
Apperanlty I was screaming "It's hard to swim with a broken ankle sir" and then tackled the lifeguard. The joys of blackouts
Ok seriously I'm living off of bologna but I have 4 handles in the freezer.
We got security called on us. Apparently the wedding down the street didn't appreciate the trespassing or our loud as fuck rendition of We Are Young.
trust me. coming from a bonafide dirtbag, this dude is up to shady shit
Ah that wonderful moment when you realise the bookmark you were using in a book you lent your mum is actually a receipt from a strip club
I had sex on a dinosaur comforter, tell me that does not define my life.
Well.. If you trust a test that only costs a dollar, I'm not pregnant
Was picked up in the middle of a bar full of people...apparently I'm not tall enough to reach for drunken makeouts. I'm proud of myself.
Let the record show that I hate your ass.
Randomize
