I totes stole your whore crown.
With great power comes great responsibility.
If I've learned one thing today? Blow jobs get you to state championships.
Alright. Who did it? Who's bangin' the ump?
This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
i'm drinking with a bunch of phds, i feel very stupid but good about my drinking abilities
i walked outside and you were driving up the stairs to her apartment
who were those guys at the table sniffing dryer sheets?
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
Yeah just got a blowjob at busch stadium during the cardinals game childhood dream realized
Ummm so does anybody remember me stopping to get my ear peirced last night and make an earring out of a staple? Or did I just somehow lay on this thing and ram it through my ear?
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
he told me to hold it and try to write my name in the snow and it seemed like a bonding moment because neither one of us had ever done that before. i didn't anticipate it vibrating and weirding me out therefore making me let go and get my hand peed on.
You know I base where I go on the likelihood of me getting laid there. This includes work.
Soo I'm in the trunk of a car drunk about to jump on trampolines. My life rocks!
rowboat hit a rock. taking on water. going down fast. bring cheerios.
aye aye capn
Dear Douchebag, I would just like to formally issue this fuck you. You will be receiving a letter in the mail soon. With all of your stuff.
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