Hahaha figures, hmm should I spank you? Or throw a cow at you?
the ***** family is living proof that there are no more lifeguards in the humen gene pool
Did you know Kal Penn works at the white house? That's almost white castle.
i feel like im doing the pre-walk of shame..like every car that drives by is like, ooooo look at that girl, in that itty bitty dress, yep shes about to get her skank on tonight...
gin and tonic in a mug. no limes so im using canned madarin oragnes. classy or trashy?
homeless.
All I remember was the chick screaming "don't hookup with him! His dick's the size of a cucumber"
I feel as though I could trust her, I mean she did tell me she was married before we had sex.
yea i thought the egg drop soup tasted weirdly like cum, and then i suddenly remembered what happened last night.
i'm never eating chinese again.
There was a cop outside the house so we just put the alcohol in this watermelon
Imagine Captain Hook, but in penis form and sometimes shy.
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
Cry into your wine glass and then drink the tears, it's like the fountain of youth
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
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