You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
friends don't let friends hook up with gingers.
I dinstinctly remember making out to "I believe I can fly" and waving my arms like a bird to the beat.
my history teacher totally just suggested that we record his lectures and play drinking games with them later so that we pay attention to the material.
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All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
I just won unlimited hot dogs for life. I'm so glad I smoked
His little brother just walked in, asked me if I'd blown his brother yet and then announced that he and his friends were going to play outside so we could play too.
I was drunk, he was taking a bodyshot while avoiding my piercing. I told him I loved him. He waited until I woke up with my hangover to say he loved me too. It was hangover magic.
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
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You were petting a 40 year old man's moustache for 15 minutes
Morning fuck and a coffee. ARE YOU READY TO CONQUER THE GALAXY WITH ME??
Facebook: “Hey you fucked on a diving board, you should probably should wish him a happy birthday”
How are you and your magical vagina doing today?
You shouted “im bobby labonte!” In the process of shoutgunning a beer. He said you were too redneck for him...
He told me he would make me come so hard I would throw up. I'm actually horrified that he thinks that's something any person would want
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