Not only is chick snoring like a 48 year old man but she's farting in rhythm
she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
im spending all my christmas money on new years parafanalia aka things I will ingest or lose by the next morning
And by the way, how is me getting head even remotely comparable to you fucking 3 guys?
someday when you wake up in a dumpster we'll have to have this conversation again...
He would stand there for a few seconds with a blank look on his face then randomly start running full sprint towards macdonalds. We'd catch him and he'd promise to stop so we'd let him go and he'd do it again.
well i fell out of the hot tub and tumbled down the hill and kicked a plant in the process.
I misunderstood what a furry was. Come pick me up.
That girl from the bar sent me a text saying that she wants to wear my cock as a hat. A cock hat. Is that good or bad?
I am not being the messenger for your booty call.
I spoon fed you cheerios when you were black out drunk. You owe me one.
I had a flashback of using my sock as a napkin after we got taco bell
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
I was going to be upset with you on moral grounds but then i realized free chocolate was involved
I planned out my poor life choices for the weekend.
I knew you were on something when you said you were a puppy and you ate all the frosty Paws dog ice cream which says not for human consumption right on the side of it.
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