Turns out "bordello" doesn't mean what I thought it did.
It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
This can't be good. I've realized that I weigh less in the morning after I have had a blackout drunk night than when I work out and eat healthy.
all her text said was "asdfhdaufhudshfuds" and i knew that meant come over
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
Said he had been eating pineapple for a week before our 1st date. Not sure if thankful for his consideration or offended by his assumption.
so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist
yea man just watch out- theres a shitload of broken glass in your bed
Dude their dog does tricks for sips of beer. He keeps going up next to people and trying to shake. This is awesome.
After he came, I wiped my mouth on my baby blanket. I could feel nana rolling over in her grave.
you were angry and didn't have anything else to throw so you threw a breakfast burrito...?
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
he's the kind of guy you give a fake number to and he still finds out your real number anyway...
I wish there were more things in this world as wonderful as string cheese
Surriously
Randomize
