I want my own midget army. I think I would be a good midget army leader.
So we were banging and she started puking all over my bed. I'm not sure what's worse, her puking, or that I felt the urge to start singing Flip-adelphia.
I cant wait for your democrat phase to be over.
look out your window.... he's holding his iphone up like a boombox playing you beach boys
As a side note, my abs are sore. Most likely cause? Orgasms. Thank you.
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
Just wondering did you put mouse traps and brownies on my porch?
Getting high magically turns headaches into rainbows.
I hope after we constantly bang for 2 days straight we can agree to be friends again
My mom just made me promise her that i'll care about the next guy I sleep with
Being in nursing school really pays off when your dealer tries to pass off naproxen as Percocet. Like I may have made a C in pharm but I aced the pain drug test
I woke up in bed spooning a vacuum cleaner
Date with Air Force guy was nice btw. And for my next trick I'll talk him into fucking me in his fighter jet at 30,000 ft.
they gave me money. the money smells like weed. also they gave me weed
whatever, tonight I’ll be getting my ass eaten by an aussie so we good
Randomize
