she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me.
its sad that the first thing i assume is that ur trying to indirectly tell me you fucked on a breakfast table
by asking you if you bought one for the apartment?
you could play connect the dots with the people ive fucked in this room
I'm so bored, I can only pretend that this truck is a spaceship for so long.
How long is the appropriate time period between a pregnancy scare and breaking up with my girlfriend?
I'm too afraid that I'm 1. Banned or 2. Gonna be noticed by the lady bouncer I punched.
some girl at the bar told me my beard would tickle every inch of her body till she joy puked her face off.... that was so random and odd i just had to buy her a drink for having the guts to say it to me. WTF
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
he said "be careful" then handed me a cheezit...
May or may not have just put tequila in my special "kids+" orange juice fortified with vitamins a, b, c, d, e, and now t.
She just won 2 Grammys at 17 and were sitting here hotboxing our half bathroom
alright well Taco Bell Closes at 12 so you better pray to god she's asleep by then or I'm running in your house butt ass naked with a bag of tacos
I know we're not on great terms here, but I need to know if you're still available for sexual activity...cause if not I need to get going on a work-out plan.
So I decided to sleep with him for the first time in months so I can convince him it's his kid instead of the other guy
Randomize
