Old men and throwing up are my life now.
Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
you poured 3 beers into an empty vase and then passed out, so i drank them for you. don't say i'm not a good friend.
How do I tell if what I'm covered in is pee or cum?
What happened?....
He lifted up the blanket, and whispered "Don't do it" to his sperm....
he came on my stomach, took his sock off, wiped it up, put his sock back on along with his shoes and left.
He sat there and debated the pros and cons of hooking up with me
I have your shoes, your bike, and someones blue underwear. Round 2 tonight?
I really want to shower but i'm afraid i'll sober up. My mouth feels like a stripper pole too...
Also I have uncooked pasta. I was hoping that could get cooked at your place. Don't ask about the circumstances that I came into ownership of uncooked pasta
She was the shot vending machine at the party. But free.
Bonding with my year old cousin over the fact that we both shit ourselves. Babysitting like a bosss
Bake him heart shaped cookies?!? Send him a picture of your tits like an ADULT!
No I kepy moaning and just called out a name to make them believe I was actually having sex instead of masturbating.
You had sex with a kid to spare him the shame of being a virgin. Evidence is on my side.
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