Having dinner with my dad, watching the news and some AIDS prevention ad comes on. My dad then kindly informs me that he doesn't enjoy the feel of condoms.
Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
just did the walk of shame by his grandma. what the fuck is an old lady doing up at six am?
You saying I have a drinkingg problem is like saying Superman has a flying problem.
Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
working out is totally making me break out.. i'm doomed to forever be either a butterface or a butterbod. there is no way out.
You do realize that we got a stripper to do the YMCA for us on the main stage... Right?
Well... first you killed the girls goldfish, then you shoved her face in your armpit, made her cry, got kicked out, ate your cigarettes, and passed out in her driveway. Pretty successful night if you ask me
i woke up the next morning in a pool of blood in my bathroom and a pinata donkeys head in my bed
so much for an anticlimactic 22nd birthday
thats because you have standards... and i have a thing for guys that give me free drugs.
I can't believe he just friend zoned me like that.
Dude, you're not even gay.
especially when i'm drunk. his dick might as well be made of cotton candy.
Stay away a while longer.
Still not sure if they're cops or strippers.
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
drunk boyfriend and drunk me are NOT meant for each other
Randomize
