I just saw a man with a full beard and frosted tips
there is no god
so i'm sitting in his room drinking tequila from the bottle and watching harry potter. he's jacking off to some porn a couple feet away from me. at one point i look over and see that he's watching me instead of the porn. please help me figure out how warped it is that i found that romantic
I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
I'm doing this for my boobs. They miss him.
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I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
Btw...I puked in my hand last night and threw it on the floor. Don't let me do tequila ever again.
I love her to death but its like you have to do 5 lines of coke to be on her level.
The problem with that is that my car has been stolen
An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.
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He said he "doesnt care at all, really" if I shave my legs or not. Challenge accepted.
Someone stole a lamp last night.
He said that he had extra crunchy taquitos and wanted to go down on me.. I mean how could I say no?
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
QUICK FAX ME THE BALL
Not how faxing works at all btw
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