somehow we got the entire party to start singing "ill make a man out of you" from mulan. needless to say, that kid had the best keg stand i'd ever seen.
Right now im sitting at home and all i can think about is im eating calories and i should be out drinking them.
I spit up blood this morning
That's vegas.
We drank a $4 handle of tequila until 5 am. Please think about that.
She literally called herself a shamefully bad decision. Of course I slept with her. Best bad decision ever
I've developed breathing exercises to keep myself from puking..
We drove around last night shotting fireworks out the window while they had sex in the back of his car
I would say I'm the man in the relationship but I'm cuddled on the couch eating cake mix and water.
The best part about being single is knowing how much everyone secretly creeps behind their gf/bfs back. You wouldn't believe..Have a great date night!
To be fair, I'm probably one of the better candidates for the role of 'baby daddy' in this town
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
DRAW HIM A PICTURE OF SOME FUCING AWESOME THING. LIKE A UNICORN OR SOME SHIT. FANTASTIC.
At least I know that however bad my life gets and how low I can feel I'll never feel shitting in a red robin parking lot low
I'd climb him like a horny MILF spider monkey.
I just had 3 numbers I don't know text me and remind me I am to attend AA on monday. Im gonna say it was a good night.
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