she came over and started getting naked and said its not like i came over to just hang out
youve hit the jackpot
I saw his dick soo much last night when I saw him this morning all I saw was penis where his face should be
Next time, if you wake and bake, make sure you nail the wake part. Not easy to explain to mum. Or the fire brigade.
I bought my dad an absinthe brewing kit for christmas.. looks like tripping with my dad is in my near future.
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You watched "From Justin to Kelly" and sang along to more than half of the songs. I didn't know whether to laugh or to be insanely frightened that you knew almost all the lyrics.
She has an emergency bra in her purse. I'm gonna check no on the 'introducing her to my new boyfriend' box.
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
It's almost like a boob-text, but it's not. Because it was live. And you were showing a bunch of people.
Someone's vagina was extra sandy cause the left side of my bed feels like the beach.
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And tan into my neighbor in the elevator. She was going to the gym. I was covered in mascara and dog hair eating a hash brown
He stopped me mid blowjob and asked me to take off my hat. He said it made him feel like Neil Young was going down on him.
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
I'M NOT EVEN STOPPING FOR WINE SO I CAN GET TO THAT DICK QUICKER.
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
We should write a country song: “Blacked Out on a Sunday”
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