Jennifer and I just ate like 4 jello shots w/ a guy dressed as inspector gadget. We are still in the capital building btw
I love Texas.
He actually believes he's not an alcoholic if he doesn't go to meetings.
I just withdrew $200 in ones. I think the teller knew what was up
The other night after we fucked we talked about Lowe's vision insurance. Never fuck a coworker.
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
you texted me "dude im face"
it sounded so right at the time
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
He understood my need for pizza was more important than my need for sex. He's the one.
I accidentally mass texted his dick pic. Not only to my friends, but to my dad as well...
Googling enemas while I get a pedicure ... My life in one senence
I licked your asshole in confidence.
i feel like a cleansing fire is the only way to purify the house
so after 3 days of looking i found the keg...looks like somebody tried burying behind the garage
We were talking about kinky shit, and I suggested a hand job in church.
How'd that go over?
Praise the lord and pass the lotion.
Remember the Giant sandworm from the movie Dune? Well that's about how big his dick is. No bulshit.
Randomize
