I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
seagrams + popov + pineapple + milk. there, ur search for worlds worst drink is over. you're welcome
I'm at a Rock of Love themed party. New high? New low? I can't tell.
Wait. Scratch that. It's not themed. These girls are just sluts.
seriously i just wanna be friends
pass
My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
Feels weird sitting between two guys who've had their heads between my legs in a 24 hour span.
I found him CRAWLING across the garden. He saw me,smiled,and asked for a napkin.
Just blew a perc off the traytable on my flight, spring break has begun!!
Can you pinpoint the moment you decided it was acceptable to trade blow jobs for beers or was it a gradual slide?
With any luck I will spend the duration of this flight with my tray table up my seatbelt securely fastened and my face in his lap
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
Wearing a french maid costume for Halloween sure did help me meet girls
Dude, they all thought you were gay.
If if makes you feel any better, you're definitely the hottest guy I've ever friendzoned.
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
Sorry I trained your dog in Spanish last night. At least he listens to someone now.
Randomize
