bar tonight had a doorbell to get in and last night i saw my neighbors fuck on the balcony, she wore a nurse outfit. Missouri isn't so bad...
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
MTV running anti-sexting commercials is a slap in the face to everything our generation has accomplished.
You were telling me to give my phone mouth to mouth so it wouldn't die.. Should i be worried for you?
I want a meaningful relationship and i wont get one if i keep giving him blow jobs in my basement while watching family guy.
I briefly wondered why they weren't in school, but after the tinier one shouted "check out dem titties!" I had my answer
Finally considering to keep my landing strip before I have sex.. I feel like It makes me look mature.
Just ran four miles to popeye's. And back. Dedication.
Better than last year. I didn't wake up to an after thanksgiving human shit on my living room floor. I think it's a sign I'm growing up at almost 30.
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
you hit your head on the sneeze guard and passed out at Pizza Hut they called the police
DO I FUCKING *LOOK* LIKE SOMEONE WHO HAS THEIR ACT TOGETHER!?!? THE ANSWER IS "NO"!
The date did not go well. Turns out I once set her brother on fire.
When I woke up I was spooning with a block of cheese. Like, cuddling. Me and the cheese we nestling...
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