I told my girl, that I use to jerk off to Star Trek. All she says is, "Oh my gawd, you're such a trekie!". If I was her, I'd be weirded out more than me being a Trek Fan.
Are you pooping in the stall next to me?
Maybe....
Cause I just heard a fart and it sounded like one of your farts.
My mom said I should get that 'not fucking anybody' problem fixed.
drunk taco night MLK would want it this way.
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
He hit on a bridal shower w/ his hand on my tit the entire time. Gave his number to the mom.
Whatever. He's going to tie me up tonight whether he wants to or not.
it looks like my getting laid tonight is going to depend on my knowledge of native birds. this is a weird party
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
I will no longer accept nudes from you because I met your boyfriend last night and he seems like a nice guy
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
She knocked me and my drink to the ground with her ass. I have never been mad at someone for having a glorious booty.
IDK MAYBE BC I WOKE UP IN AN AIRPORT WITH A ONE WAY TICKET TO LONDON
Just got up.... With the club stamp on my ass.... How did it got there????
Had a moment of weakness, slept with my ex last night
So that's why our room smells like tequila and shame.
Randomize
