I can hear my fat mexican neighbor yelling "do you like that!" ...I hope its not his dog
You told me alcohol would be the death of you then ordered 10 shots of tequila.
That's two mile stones in one shot. A ginger and that's my third ashley.
I had a great penis washing session in the sink before I left. Washed off all the bar and green beer
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No, I got those cupcakes fair and square. That homeless man should have known not to underestimate the determination of a stoned chem student.
I'd like to request an "its my birthday discount", and for you to bartend shirtless tonight ;)
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
It's like Jesus got stoned and this would be the sandwiches he'd make
Last night I made the hotel shuttle driver take me to Walgreens for birth control, and Pringles.
They were both high priority
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
For what it's worth, I didn't think that hitting you with a crowbar as hard as I did would break your arm like that. You should drink more milk.
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
your girlfriend showed us your homemade porn last night.
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
No, he wouldn't have sex with me....but on the brightside I managed to fit the entire falafel sandwhich in my purse!!
Anytime you wish.we are doing double shots in the kitchen,and I drank a beer in the shower,so...the sooner you get here,the sooner you can get on our level.
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