when I scratched it gently some sort of watery looking stuff came out...so then I just stopped thinknig about it.
Important detail I forgot to tell you: leprechaun loves david bowie.
Your favorite bartender is back from prision
Just so we both are on the same page, I have no solid plans as to where I'll be sleeping tonight.
just brushed my teeth with a bottle of jack. ew. not all it's hyped up to be.
He literally had no idea who I was, so he made me turn around 360 degrees and when he saw my ass, he blurted out my first AND last name.
The higher i get, the less gay he looks, and the more i want to make out with him. This is dangerous.
I wouldn't fuck her. Looks like her vagina smells like a seaside orgy.
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.
Standing in my kitchen eating choc chip cookie batter from the bowl. As sad as it is, I kinda like the places bad breakups take me.
The ONE weekend I don't put anything up my nose, and it decides to bleed like crazy
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
I'm sorry I was just sleeping on the kitchen floor I'm too dead to think
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
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