The guy at McDonald's just told us there is no flash photography allowed.
It's always a surprise to see what songs I shazamed and downloaded last night while we were drunk at the bar.
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
Everything's fine I'm just stoned and my pillows are too soft.
But I feel like studying my flashcards during a blowjob would be rude...
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
Note to self: last nights makeup does NOT, under ANY circumstances, look good today.
He looks like a fat version of lurch from the adams family and smells like fritos. This is not the caliber man I want pleasuring himself to the thought of me!
In the world of sexual, erotic texting, you rank somewhere between "how much teeth do you want" and "how dry do you want it"
Want to get drunk and look at an xray of my dick?
DONT YOU DARE DIE YET THERE IS SO MUCH SEX TO BE HAD
My head feels like Jesus is projectile vomiting hammers on it
How do you delicately ask if your friend's dad was arrested for solicitation of prostitution?
She knocked me and my drink to the ground with her ass. I have never been mad at someone for having a glorious booty.
You used a fucking bud light like as lube last night. I'd get a UTI test like stat.
Randomize
