it really sends the message that i like to impregnate mortal women and have them birth fantastic half man-half god infants.
I just put anything in between my legs and hope for the best.
unlike you, ive never imagined darth vader masturbating
I faked it too. I just spit on your bed.
I've come to accept that no matter where I step in our apartment, your underwear will be there.
He said he has something to give me... I swear to God if it's a joint or a framed picture of his penis i'm going to kill him
I find out next week of the Australian was lying about his vasectomy or not. Keep your fingers crossed!
What's the address?
Too drunk. Just google it.
IT'S YOUR HOUSE
I bruised my vagina when I was climbing out of the trash can.
Side note. I love it when I think I've sobered up and then I get a second wind of drunk
trust me. coming from a bonafide dirtbag, this dude is up to shady shit
Getting haircut. The stylist asked about the body paint dried in my hair. I told her there was prob glitter, too. It was a fun night!
He stopped his car in the middle of ongoing traffic to ask me to marry him. Then he got pulled over. Yeah I'd say the slutty Dallas Cowboys costume was a success.
Your hotness may or may not have landed him in jail.
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
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