Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
You flung your panties at that guy you liked with an accuracy that I have never seen before.
we are driving next to a guy driving and masturbating while looking at a naked magazine. I love LA
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
I'm scared. I feel like she's my mom and she just walked in on me having sex. Like she's "disappointed"
No, pictures of your dick will not make me feel better about my grandmother having a brain tumor.
Our halfway to Halloween party needs to never happen again. There were waaayy too many wasted cartoon characters passed out in my living room this morning...
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
I'm about 95% it's a collapsed lung. Go big right?
He offered me a trade. He'll come sober to my parents 25th anniversary dinner if I let him tie me up for an hour.
Update. bondage is a lot harder than it looks.
In the morning he said my plan to make 2 casseroles today was, "hot in a grandma sort of way," & I didn't think it was weird. THAT'S how hot he was.
We're making a scrapbook of dick pics, you want in or what?
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
I just unmatched him. If your Thirsty Thursday only consists on the gym then I am not the woman for you ✌🏻️
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