I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
yea i really dont care about the sex, i just want him to eat my vag. He has to be good at because of his tremors.
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
I didn't think about how painful the pumpkin seeds coming up the next morning would be. Oh well, I'm good at making pumpkin seeds and that's all that matters.
He recognized me by my ass from about 15 yards away. I must have a REALLY nice ass.
Bro what are you doing Thursday the day before I go to jail??
If you need us, Zoe and I will be on my kitchen floor drinking Gatorade and crying
Fell asleep naked on the recliner spooning with my organic chemistry book. The fact that I made it through four years of college is proof that the education system is fucked.
there may have been a blood oath never to speak of it again...only reason i can think of as to why there was a 1 inch bloody cut on my right boob
Also I would love to pregame at your place if I weren't stuck at mine drinking laxatives
So I think I've successful blown my foot off in a way that's going to make you call me an idiot.
Why can't they just let me be the gorgeous cum dumpster that I know I'm meant to be?
She bruised my penis again. But, trooper I am we kept on going.
Randomize
