just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
I don't know where my bra went.
Welll you ran into the street, took it off and yelled "I'm a free woman!". And then you threw it at some homeless guy.
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
I wish I could walk around this campus with a big stamp that says "Approved" and just stamp girls asses as they pass.
I believe its time to stop celebrating Thanksgiving. I've been drunk for over a week. If my liver doesn't give out, and I'm not pregnant I will truly have something to be thankful for.
I believe nudity is frowned upon at that establishment
And by "hammer out the details" you know I mean spending 20 minutes on wedding plans then getting wine drunk, right?
So the keyword here is "hammered"?
Getting stoned at work has never been a good idea, but im always more than willing to give it another chance
SHE SITS THERE LIKE A DICK LIKE AN ACTUAL DICK JUST LIMP AND DUMB AND BLAH
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
Looks like I've become the Walter White of my PhD cohort.
I just tried to brush my hair with a can opener. Who gave you that brownie
I can not believe he edited a picture of our three way and made it his profile picture
Looks like a sea otter shaved my vagina. Keep an eye out for me this weekend, no one can see this.
I peed in Andys sink the other day bc I didnt want him to hear me pee
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