I have a feeling we are going to become cougars together.
Pete just told the whole party I'm a squirter
i'm pretty sure i saw my life flash before my eyes when we ran a red light. i continued to drink and be the drunk backseat driver.
You started a dance party so that you could steal their vodka and shouted "sailors out!"
Someone jacked my earrings off me or I threw em in the toilet again
I hate when that happens
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
I have got to stop making out with redheads. I need to sign my life over to my dad like Britney Spears.
Dude he's not responding... I'll take that as an unpleasant visit to the clinic
It was over as soon as he asked if he could name my vagina pancake.
Dear lord though. So much glitter. It's just a big gay explosion and all of my whore muscles hurt.
I was packing a bowl naked and her dog just stared at me with pure rage
Judging by his bulge. This guy is going home with me. Who doesn't want a dick that looks like it used to be a pillar in Rome.
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
She said my penis was powerful and magnificent
I think I achieved my goal of being high for 24 hours in the same week I promised myself I wouldn't smoke anymore
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