Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
Grandma was not a fan of the beer-can ornaments. Not "traditional".
the fda needs to get their shit together cause these four loko going away parties are gonna kill me
Before you become official, we should get a hotel room and fuck our brains out. Sort of like a going away party for your penis.
Someone took a picture of their balls on my phone last night. BEAUTIFUL PACKAGE. I will find this man.
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
While I was fucking him, he grabbed a taco off his shelf and started eating it. I had taco dripped on me. I have no idea where the taco came from.
Last night I had sex with one of the groomsmen I was in the wedding with. In a stairwell. 13 years my senior. Thinking I should retire from the bridesmaid gig.
Holy shit he's circumcised. His parents must have really loved him.
Please tell me you're not playing strip poker with your cousins again
I just remembered that you tried to trade me for a glass of wine
Ahh yes. I lost my pants and swimming suit and phone charger. And I've found out who has them all even while hungover. Successful day. Nice party too.
The bouncers found you passed out on the toilet. They tried to move you but you refused and repeatedly shouted that you wanted to go out like Elvis.
just woke up and had to check if i still had pants on, i really need to stop drinking
oh dont worry mom i am not sick my cough is from a recent increase in recreational drug use
that will happen
Randomize
