So I just almost came on my own face I had to dodge it as it was flying by...that was a first
i feel like a lion cub that has been breast fed for years, and mom has left, and now i have to learn how to hunt on my own
i think i scared a bird with my dick
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
someone just sent me a bong wrapped in christmas paper in the mail. signed 'santa'.
I hope the walls stop moving before my manager notices that i'm still drunk.
We didn't have sex but he is somehow naked and laying on top of me. his dick is touching my leg and freaking me the fuck out.
It was awk he was sittin on a plastic backyard chair in his underwear and high white socks in the dark watching the nuggets game
Apparently while fucking a girl in the ass last night I cracked a molar, trying to find a dentist now.
I woke up with a bagel in my mouth, still ate it. Free breakfast
I told him I was going to sit on his face after I got out of the shower, he threw up the arm boners and yelled "STEVE HOLT!!" I might actually stop sleeping with other dudes.
Its a shame I cant put 'bomb ass head game' on my resume.
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
I was puking for like ten minutes when I realized my parents were fucking in the shower and were afraid to come out
It was like a single vaginal boat in a sea of one eyed monsters
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