I didnt pay $190 for a fake with a new middle name of Vane..
sometimes I tug on my anal hairs for pleasure
you've officially gone too far. we are no longer friends
im using old socks as coasters. im going to make a great housewife.
I'm cleaning the house. And I can't stop listening to Enrique Iglesias. Am I gay?
I even have the new album if that helps you make a decision.
I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
Do you ever just think "I could really go for a good 30 minute blowjob". I do. Everytime jill smiles.
Watching tv. She's giving me head and she hates it when I watch her.
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
Yes. Amanda is the only option and I want cake so I can sacrifice my vagina.
No shame December is a go.
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
Looks like I've become the Walter White of my PhD cohort.
Got with someone dressed up as Allen from the hangover so that's where I'm at in life
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
I took advantage of the fact that my mentee had to go to the bathroom to throw up in the other stall. I'm going to hell for being hungover at an elementary school.
Randomize
